Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
