How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
