The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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