There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
