im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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