no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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