I wish I could teleport
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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