Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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