she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
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