The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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