The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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