I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
