i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
porn star boner night. come get it.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
