I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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