I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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