Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
