She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Randomize
