i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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