The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
