summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
