so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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