rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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