Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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