I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
