u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
