there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
