I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
