the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
