Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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