Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
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