A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
