also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
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