Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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