When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
