Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
