You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
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