im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
