My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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