I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
