Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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