remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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