she woke up with a sticky ear
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
