this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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