Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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