I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
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