I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
