if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
