You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Randomize
