Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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