Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Randomize
